self sabotage

I'm pretty sure I've been sabotaging myself since I came to college.  It's not that I don't want to do well, because I really do, but I'm afraid of what will happen if I actually apply myself.  That is to say, I'm more accepting of doing well when I'm not trying than I am of failing when I'm doing my best. 

It's really screwed up. And I don't know how to stop myself. I'm skipping class right now. No particular reason, I just didn't feel like going. WHY DO I CONTINUE TO DO THIS? I don't have an answer.  All I know is I'm never going to get anywhere in life if I continue this bad habit.  I'm probably depressed... but I do such a good job of hiding it from everyone including myself that I have a hard time figuring out when I'm depressed. 

Maybe I need to read this book. Maybe I just need to get my shit together.